Week 12: I think I’m getting better!!

OK, I hesitate to say it, even to hope, but…drumroll please…
I think I’m getting better!!!

Positives:

Arthritis totally gone
More energy
More optimism (feel like there’s hope after all and I’m not doomed to
a life of total misery)
Way less mucus between bowel movements
Soft, mounds of BM’s and 3 ones with form (oh, the joy)
Still gaining weight (I don’t have a scale, but I am approaching
normal which for me is at least 150 pounds; I can’t fit into my “sick”
pants anymore, and even my “well” pants are getting fitted, and my
breasts are getting larger…ooh la la)
BM’s down to about 3 times a day

and this is where the drumroll is truly appropriate…

I’ve eaten WAY off my diet (SCD) with NO repercussions! To be
specific, I’ve had Thai food 4 times, tacos 4 times with corn
tortilla, corn chips AND salsa (admittedly, this gives me increased
mucus and a little gas), sushi 5 times, and I wish I were of the
religion where one bows 100 times, because this deserves it….bread.
I’ve had bread, about 5 pieces total.. white French and honey
wheat… and nothing bad happened! I haven’t had bread in so many
years, I can’t remember how long ago it was. When I make toast for my
girls, I smell it longingly…when I’m at fine restaurants and the
bread basket comes and everyone’s dipping in olive oil and balsamic, I
study the tablecloth. Luscious bread.

I’m REALLY trying to have restraint. But I’m standing at a precipice
of temptation and have dipped my toe in its waters…how long can I
hold myself back from jumping in?

Negatives:

Still have urgency
Still go at least 1-2 X a night
Things getting more solid are a little painful at times
Still have mucus, but not every day, all day like before
Still tired in the afternoons (but note, I had the Flu From Hell which
I’m still recovering from)

I am very pleased and excited to see if things improve from here. I
know I have another 5 weeks before things returned to baseline in the
one Crohn’s study, but I am having definite improvement and was before
the flu set me back for 3 weeks. But I’m better; at times I feel a
flutter of total wellness, where I’m carrying 2 buckets of water for
an hour and a half watering my garden, and though I’m dazed and mildly
exhausted, I can do it without resting every 10 minutes like the last
6 months, if I could do it at all then. (Yes, I need to install drip
irrigation.)

I also am getting little fluttering of total clarity. I have a
feeling that my brain has been very affected with constant bowel
inflammation; I notice in flares I get not only depressed, but
borderline obsessive. Not only do I worry about valid things, like
needing surgery again, but I overly obsess and worry about smaller
things as well. And am very negative, often suicidal (though I would
never do anything about it; I just dreamed). I’ve been in a flare for
most of last year, so imagine the mental state. Now, I occasionally
feel moments of calm; it reminds me of how the brain is after a good
meditation session, where you’re riding your bike in the wind and
feeling as if the world can’t be more beautiful. I wonder how much my
personality has been affected by constant illness…I may turn out to
be a wonderful person!

I’ll report on the next few weeks and see if things stay better.