So I had all of my tests and procedures last week to test for why I’ve been having these neuropathic symptoms. I loathed the EMG, or nerve-conductivity test. This one was the worst. First they tricked me by soaking my cold feet in hot water. Mmm, a little spa treatment? Next I got hot water bottles along my ankles. Then the torture began.
Little electrodes are hooked up at the beginning and end of different nerve pathways. They started with my lower leg. After the electroydes are hooked up, a machine proceeds to shock each nerve in successions of 5′s. First, a gentle shock. Then a more painful one. Then another. And another! The worst part about it was the repetition, and the fact that as a teaching institution, UCSF often uses MDs in training. The man who was trying to find my nerve pathways kept shocking the wrong ones. I was lying there, thinking, “Just have the expert do it. Learn on yourself!” I asked if they were required to try this on themselves, and they assured me that they were. Not the same as colonoscopies for gastroentrologists, I guess. Can’t exactly perform that on onself.
After many painful shocks, my nerves were testing at 100% He thankfully started skipping some as they were all testing in just fine. Finally, after doing one leg and one arm, they took pity on me and decided to torture me with a needle in my muscle instead.
A real needle is poked into the skin against the muscle, then they have the audacity to ask you to relax. “You’re not relaxing!” they say, as a machine gives higher noises when the muscle isn’t calm. I wonder how many people can successfully relax a muscle with a needle poking into it? But I am an expert at horrible procedures, so I relaxed. Then I flexed. The needle went in and out in several places, the muscles tested fine, and I was left with 3 little round band-aids, and about 20 pen marks on my hands and feet.
If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to be a voodoo doll, try an EMG.
The good news, is after all the torture, my nerves and muscles were fine. Whatever is happening to me isn’t permanently effecting my nerves. And my muscles are strong, even with needles in them.
So I had a little lunch, then went on to the lovely brain MRI.
First I asked the nice UCSF attendant if the gadolinium (the contrast agent used for MRI’s) was anti-helminthic. Then I got to explain that I had hookworms and didn’t want to kill them off. He said he’d ask, and I wondered, “Oh, are you going to call the parasitology department?” excitedly, but I think he was humoring me, as we didn’t discuss it again.
I got all cozy on the bed with the giant tube you stick your head in. First they put a shield across your face, with a little rectangular rear-view mirror so you could see out the tube while you are stuck in it. After assuring the attendant that I didn’t get clausterphobic, and also reminding him that I was difficult to get a needle into, he went into the other room and slowly positioned me back into the portal into the magnetic world.
They put earplugs in you. And foam over that. But nothing silences the sound of a jackhammer being placed against your head. It doesn’t hurt, just vibrates in strange ways, but it was very, very loud. After a few Star Trek beeps and blurps, the first jackhammering began. This lasted for a few minutes, then silence, as my ears rang. Then new little bleeps and chirps, then another 5 minutes or so of jack-hammering. It all felt very space age.
At one point, the vibrating made my molars feel warm, but the tech later assured me I was imagining it. Finally, after nearly 40 minutes of various fun, the man tried to get an IV in me, failed painfully, then had to get a nurse to do it. The contrast in, my toes got warm (probably imagined it?) and I was slowly slid back into the giant tube for another 20 minutes or so of various jack-hammering, blinking and whirring.
I can see how people fall asleep during this procedure. It gets oddly relaxing to have your brain magnetised with various speeds and durations. I just thought about things, like, ” I wonder if I have brain cancer?” Or, “I wonder what my worms are thinking about?” and finally, we finished, I got to put my clothes back on, and request a CD of a picture of my brain.
No results yet. I’m just grateful that I don’t have to (hopefully) do either of these procedures again. Or if I do, they invent a painless, quiet version.
I went on to eat Chinese food in China town, from a place I went to with my husband over 15 years ago. I felt like I had escaped the mental institution. Free!
Now, I wait.
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