Waiting for the Cure

Am I?

I have 10 hookworms.  I have no inflammation.   I am at my normal weight, actually 5 pounds above it!  My hair is shiny and no longer broken off.  The neuropathy is fading, and probably a result of the iron shots and low magnesium.  I can eat most everything.  I am building muscle.  I suppose the crowning jewel would be a perfect colonoscopy, but that will have to wait another year, since the prep flares me, and why mess with perfection?

Let them eat pie!

Of course, I’m not perrrrfect.  But the mucus is diminishing.  The last few weeks, things have really improved.  I have mostly solid stools.   I can fart standing up maybe 3 out of 5 times, the other 2 are “wet” and require a clean up.  But that seems to be improving as well.

I can’t say I’m bursting with energy, but I think I may have unrealistic expectations of what it means to be normal.  Crohn’s disease for 21 years messes with the mind. My plan is to increase my exercise and eat better foods, like every average American.   I wish I weren’t tired at all.  Ever.  I have two decades to make up for!

I feel  a sense of wonder, but also of strange idleness.  What do I do?  The mind has nothing to worry about, and has spent 20 years in endless speculation and obsession over Crohn’s disease cures. What’s next?  What’s next?  This has always been the mantra.  Even when something like sulfasalazine was working, there was always the fear that it would fail, I would develop an allergy to it (which I eventually did), or I’d eat something that would begin the reckless whirlpool into flare-up hell, with nothing but big guns like Prednisone to stop the pain.  And even those failed eventually.

Now, have I at last found something that works?  My jaded mind still believes that the immune system could override the worms’ effects at any time.  I could eat something or do something that unknowingly killed them off, and be left sick and wondering.  I need years of wellness before I feel a sense of peace.

My body is well but my mind has a long way to go.  I feel a sense of obligation to get the word out on these little worms, but even the CBS interview only brought a temporary flurry of inquisitors.  My doctor at UCSF is interested.  I’m taking blood tests to document efficacy.  I’m being written up as a case study.  I tell everyone I know.  It still doesn’t feel like enough.

Yet for now, I marvel at my wellness.  Sip from my tea that now holds milk.  Eat from the fruits of my own backyard without repercussion.  Dance on the beach, drink wine until I am dizzy.

What a marvel it is to be well!   Now what do I do next?